Faith, Fear and Humiliation
I had a very honest conversation with my boyfriend last night. We recently got in an argument because I decided that in order to me to walk in my faith again certain things him and I were doing needed to change. He didn't understand this at first, and tried to argue with me relentlessly, even to the point where he pointed out all of my sins, told me that I couldn't pick and choose what was important to me and what I wanted to change. In my heart I knew he was wrong, so I sat there telling him it was my choice, and if he didn't like it I would leave.
This may all sound harsh but everyone goes through their own spiritual journey. Lately I have been looking at my daily routines in life and asking myself 'do they fill my spiritual cup?' This was mainly directed at things I did that made me feel good in the moment but question myself later, think instant gratification. For instance my boyfriend and I love Beer. The flavor, the art of how it was made, and the feeling. But it is an expensive hobby, it stunts weight loss, and right now it is taking up a lot of space. So day-to-day I feel like this is satisfying the flesh but not my soul. Surprisingly what satisfies my soul is cleaning, organization, exercise, eating healthy, reading, crafting, and prayer. All this takes work and is a bit challenging at times, but the reward is a sense of direction and accomplishment. You can still indulge in simple pleasures, but it is a delicate balance in making sure they don't consume your mind and energy.
My boyfriend thought I was making changes to punish him. He said "Everything was fine up until now." And I had to point out that It simply wasn't, that I have been hurting and empty internally for a long time. "This is for God to heal me." The second I made this statement I felt the rush of humiliation. Saying you spoke to God is scary, there is such a stigma around religion, but once again this is my own spiritual Journey. If he were to judge me for having a relationship with God, who I can feel giving me strength in areas iv'e never had control of in my life, then did I really want him in it? Now I knew my boyfriend better than that, and he didn't make me choose. He swallowed his pride and grabbed my hand said "Ok." He looked at me with emotion then and said he loved me, and the first time in a while I felt very connected to him and responded sincerely "I love you too."
Him and I ended up trailing into a conversation of how we would raise our future children. How important God would be in helping them make hard life decisions. We talked about prayer and church, interpretations of the bible. Most of all we talked about wording. Growing up in my Catholic church I always felt judged, and damned. I realize now that God does neither of those things. He rather invites you to challenge yourself to be your best self...and what that looks like is between you and him. I despise more than anything people talking for God and telling other people that who they have chosen to love is wrong, or how they handle their body and life is wrong. I will never be the one to push you to make a choice that is not my own to make, and If your heart says it's right than I'm sure that God would agree.