Happy, Sad.

Recently my friends and I all went out. My boyfriend and I sat across the table wrapped up in our own convo. It was an extended conversation, earlier he had told me that I focus on the negative. That I have to leave the past In the past and just focus on being happy with him. My friend laughed. "Jess is so sad." Mind you she was drinking and my other friend joined in saying "You got to change your mindset."

I know they are all right and I have improved a lot. But I get sad. The trigger of the sadness that day was feeling normal for once. I had a really great day with my mom. We went for a hike, got Starbucks and went shopping. It was so nice, it was so as it should be. I let myself feel relaxed and calm and it was scary.

I'm always waiting for the bubble to pop. Happiness has never been sustainable. Recently things are going my way, but I know better than to fall trap to that illusion. So I find myself freaking out instead. I know I need to break the cycle. I know I need to change.

"It could always be worse."

Someone at the table said that and I cringed inside. People tell me that everything I went through is horrible. But it could be worse. Heck, I tell myself that. When others say it so nonchalantly it stings. They say it with ease, as If they have handed me the key and all I have to do is turn the lock. It is not easy, and no one who hasn't been through something even remotely similar can grasp that.

My solace is that it could of been worse when it was already terrible. That is the advice you give me. That is what you say with such confidence to me.

I felt alone that night. My boyfriend tells me all the time that I have him, to just focus on us, yet I have to work on so much still. I worry that when we go out people will see it. I'm worried when I meet his friends or family it will seep out of me. I'm worried I am what you all tell me I am. Sad.

I'm not Jess. I am the things I'm working through. I am the girl with the broken mindset. I'm the one who will go quiet again because I can't let you know how bruised I am. I need to be happy.

Happy. The appearance of which I achieved only once before. I drank, I threw up, I starved and I cut myself. But everyone thought I was happy.

So I'll remain your definition of Sad. Yes I am not smiling all the time. But I do not hurt myself anymore. I work through everything that comes my way. And I take the time to know and understand me.

Happy, Sad...

Jess.