top of page

Leave it with Him.

When I first returned to my faith It was a slow crawl, I walked so timidly back to the safe place that I run from before. Shame had withered me and I feared being looked at as the damaged mess I saw myself to be. After time God's warmth had seeped beneath my hard shell and I began peeling off the scraps of what couldn't be renewed and restored myself.

But what would I do with this jumbled ball of trauma. Where did these thorns belong in my life? It was then I prayed to him once more. His answer was simple. Leave it with me. So I handed my hurt, pain, sins and damage to him. I even envisioned handing the decay to the son of God, looking at it in tears, what had once been a part of me. I imagined reluctantly giving it over, and him kneeling to take it from me like it were as precious and tender as a child. What I look at with demise he looks at with love. He glances at me and tells me without words that everything is ok, that I did good. He looks back at it then, with purpose and walks into the warmth and light of God.

I have this deep sense that God has a greater plan for it. That all that darkness he will mold and shape into some sort of armor or enlightenment, and when I am ready I will carry it again but in a different way. He can't take it away, it can't disappear but he can change your perspective of it, you could see it through his eyes.

Recently I have looked at things differently. I found the strength to seek help. I have been forced to look at my childhood sexual abuse as the evil that it was. I am finally able to speak it. And for so long I thought that God wanted me to forgive my abuser when he really wanted me to forgive myself. I did not have a choice when I was 6,7,8,9 or 10. I have a choice now, I own my present. And for my abuser, you lie in God's hands. I leave it with him. I know he will forgive you, but it is not my job to, and my strength and faith is not measured in my ability to. I pray he takes away your demons as he has with mine.

22 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual abuse. A lot of times in life I have gotten called out for not being there enough, for not calling enough, for not texting enough. I have gotten told that I am selfish and unca

I remember drunken nights, lying on that cold wood varnished floor, tracing the creases of the patterned planked platform. The nights cool air billowing through my window with the gentle hum of the do

As a child I found myself outside often, I loved the area I grew up in. I lived next to a marsh and a bird sanctuary. The songs they sang, the hoots you heard and the soft cooing from the trees eased

bottom of page