Updated: Jan 7, 2021
My biggest New Year's resolution is reset the mind. My mind has been living in a selfish cage for far too long. In 2019 I left a relationship where I had worked from home and only talked to my significant other, but we were a toxic match. So when I regained footing I had to re-learn how to even communicate and trust. I also probably trusted too quickly in the beginning of having left that relationship. I overshared my thoughts on everything with the wrong people. Simply because I hadn't talked to anyone in so long. Right away I got burnt, It took me till now to realize that I ran away from one toxic relationship into another.
But I too was at fault in this group of friends, I too was toxic. I was too consumed with own self pain to realize I was harming others with just my words. It felt so good to be able to voice what was on my mind again, that I just said whatever I was thinking. Never did I lie, but what I said got warped and twisted into one. Now I accept this, I needed to learn a lesson about myself and the power of words, but when this happened it felt like life was shattering.
I can not properly describe the depth of that depression. I can simply say it was dark. It took so much strength to leave my Ex, and these people made me feel like I had a family with them. Then it took a small level of distrust and a bucket of small lies, and I was outcasted from people I loved. That is no small thing.
Around that same time a friend of mine and my ex past away. The heart ache was all too real. My close co-workers could see a difference in the way I was acting. Silent, removed and distraught. While morning a death, I tried to understand what happened with my friends. By a specific individual in my past group of friends, I was told how horrible of a person I was, that I have never been a good friend and that they needed distance, the rest of the group followed. I replayed that public confrontation over and over like a car crash. I can truly say that it was my work friends, who I let in slowly with severe caution, that picked me up from this. Their relationship was a slow build.
It dawned on me that like my relationship with my Ex, I rushed into things with these people. I wanted the idea of friends without really knowing them at all. We just weren't for each other. My friends today, we don't always see eye to eye. We call eachother out on our bullshit, and we take the time to understand eachother. We help each other and we don't point fingers and call one individual a problem.
But resetting the mind after all this damage means not looking at any of it as damage anymore. I now see God's lesson in all this. Relationships are earned, and good people do not take from you, they motivate you and push you. (When I say good people, I do not mean to insinuate that my past friends were bad, they were just not a match for me in my life path.) So when a friend of mine spoke up about how they had caught Covid-19 and was stuck in the house for quarantine with their family with no energy to even stand and cook I decided this was a good chance to help.
I was going to make her a nice home-made dish. I work two jobs though and after getting home from the grocery store at 11pm I was about to pass out myself. So I decided to void those plans and order out and leave it on her doorstep tomorrow after my first job. My mom called me at work, since I was going to heat everything in the oven at her place as it was close to my job and on the way. She asked me if I was still coming by. My reply was no, that I got all the ingredients but I didn't have the energy and I was going to order food instead. She surprised me by asking, "Did you want me to make it?"
I absolutely love this, not because I don't have to do a major step in the process, but because my mindset has been, treat others how you would like to be treated. So for weeks I have been doing little things here and there to help. Yesterday I got frustrated with myself for making an offer to help when it was stretching me so thin. I've really tried to lead by God's example though, so I was determined to follow my word and help.
They say trust in the lord and he will take care of you. It is the very essence of faith. I did not get mad at God, when I realized I may have signed up for something too large for me to handle. I found another way to make it happen and God carried me by taking part of it off my plate. See my mother is helping me, help a friend. We are both doing his work now and at the same time he is healing our tethered relationship and bringing her and I closer.
Wether you are a believer or not I encourage you to treat other as you wish to be treated. It's a beautiful thing when people can come together and love one and other. Surround yourself with those who bring that out of you too.