The Forbidden Fruit.

I bet that apple tasted delicious. It better have. It costed Eve paradise. Now I always have looked back at the Bible, and thought to myself I would not have done that. I would have been better than her. What an idiot, she gave up everything for an apple. And in doing this not only have I committed a sin in passing judgement but also, I am no better than her. In recent years every time the devil has dangled the apple in front of me, I have taken it, and consumed it. The truth is I have been weak and it has made me sick.

In 2014 I developed an eating disorder. It started off as starvation and went from there to a bulimic combination. No one tells you this, because it's not a pretty subject that no one likes to talk about it, but being strong sometimes just means not taking shortcuts. Like Eve, I saw something I wanted, Hyper focused on it and took it. I wanted to be thin, skinny and my perceived version of attractive. I gave a divine part of myself over to the Devil in order to get it. That is on me.

I blamed a lot of things and people through out my life. They did not help, and sure, some even pushed me to my decision; but ultimately it is me who ceased eating and I alone who bent myself over a toilet bowl deciding to vomit. It worked for a little while too, but starvation mode kicked in. I would be so hungry, that I would have to eat, and because I was that hungry I would binge. Afterwards I would feel disgusting and get rid of it all. About an hour later I would be hungry again.

You hear the phrase break the cycle and mental disorder. My Eating disorder is a toxic cycle and I am not a health expert on overcoming it, so if you do struggle with this please seek medical help. For me however, It does reside in the mind, and fixing that meant a lot of prayer and a spiritual and mental journey. Now people say look to God for answers. If you are a literal person like me, you prayed and felt no crazy resolution to your fears or concerns. There wasn't that higher power voice that came to Mary and said: "You will bear God's son, name him Jesus ." (Which would honestly be terrifying.) So you give up, because the voice of temptation is louder.

It's what you choose to listen to. Every time I went on one of these binge episodes, that tiny voice that makes us even more uniquely human, the voice we refer to as the conscious, told me "you don't have to." To me, this is God. Take what you will from it, but I heard his voice enough to agree with him, pray to him and trust him to heal me. Now that took work. In order for him to heal, you have to give yourself back to him. This means a lot of self evaluation. It means, recognizing your wrongs and amending them as you do so. I've also learned that this means tossing that old pass or fail mentality out of the window. We are human. Perfectionism is a pathway to failure for us. In place of this we must strive to be righteous and good. You don't have to get it right this time, or the next, or ever, you just have to try to be better.

I felt God renew my soul, and I mean that. I've also messed up a bunch since then. But my mentality has a different response now. I now just say ok, how can I have done better. Forgive myself, and try harder next time. I study my wrongs though, to better understand the path of motivation that led me there. I stay aware and humble. You can't forget where you came from but you have to keep in mind who you want to be.


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