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The Slow Leak

I didn't see it coming, but then I heard it and saw the damage appearing. I wanted to fix the leak. He did a patch up job, it held for a while. I thought you were done seeping into the privacy of our relationship, but you came back harder each time. You text him with problems about your relationships, he comforts you, calls you his friend. That energy he just gave to you, the energy you asked for, that compassion it's ok at first. You needed it, and he told me about it, because he loves me and he doesn't want me to question it. I have no doubts about us and I hope this was a one time thing.

We are driving in the car, his phone lights up, texts flooding in. You are upset, he looks concerned as we pull up to the restaurant. But then he looks at me, slightly annoyed. It's our anniversary. He says "It can wait." I say "no...she's really upset, go ahead." I look out the window of the car as if to give you two your privacy. This is your friendship, I'm not trying to intrude. We go inside the restaurant, he has his phone on silent now. I have the strangest feeling though, it's a worry that you might distract him again. The night goes smooth, we have an amazing time and we remember exactly why we are together, why we alone, work so well.

Later that night as we are cuddled on the couch he gets a text from you while he was scrolling through the web and you say something about how he's always there and you appreciate it so much. He smiles at the phone, no doubt happy he could help, clicks it shut and tucks it away. Then he gives me a kiss on my forehead and pulls me in just a bit tighter. We forget about you again but I take a little longer this time.

I had a long day the kind where everything throws you off and the traffic on the ride home form work has made me bitter. He normally greets me at the door, not today. As I come in the room to see him relaxed on the couch, phone hovering in front of him, I asked him what he's done. He said he would clean it doesn't look like he has. I'm angry, my patience is gone and I vent to him about everything that bothers me including the mess. He keeps doing something on his phone. It finally sinks in that it is the problem now too. I pull it away and tell him to put it down, he grabs it back. I ask him why he can't put it down, followed by "who are you texting?" There is silence. And that is my answer.

We worked that out, after a while of tears and hugs and frustration he told me the truth.

You were upset again and needed someone to talk to. But this time while you were venting to him he had something to vent about to you. With that he let you into our relationship. It seems each time you two get closer, we drift further.

He told me he wouldn't hide anything again. Every time you contacted him he showed me, which was a lot and we discussed what was appropriate conversation and what was absolutely not. In time you guys were back to talking casually, everything seemed fine and I didn't feel uncomfortable with it... that is until he hid it again.

Now when you pop up in his phone I hate it. There are three people in the room instead of two but you never have to deal with the problems created around your needs. We are fighting constantly and I react every time your name lights up his phone. I tell him to tell me the truth and he does, but I'm no longer sure I believe it. He's lied to hide how much you need him and he's always trying to help.

You needed a night out, you are having a tough time and you don't want to think about things. He knew I was busy that night and he wants to be there for you, so when you ask him to hang out with a group of people after work he agrees. Meanwhile I'm texting him "I miss you.", "what are you up to?" and "call me when you get a chance." He responds with lies. I go to his apartment, he's not there. I look for him where he said you guys used to hang out before me at that bar, and there I find his car.

My hands shake as I open the door to the bar, he's already cashing out, he looks pale, sick, probably from lying. I ask him who he's with and through his shock he points at a group of co-workers. We make eye contact before you snap your head back to the other people at the table. The next argument we have after this will be about how you said you didn't see me and how he believes you...because why would you lie to him.

You are having a rough day again. You text him all day and he texts you because at this point him and I are so distant and he wants some normal conversation. You complain about your back and he wanting to help says something he shouldn't have and offers you a lending hand. This isn't the first time, it's not even the worst time. You send him revealing pics of yourself wanting compliments, you tell him you're so drunk and tipsy at bars and that you care about him still. I know you care about him, but you do not care about us. when he tells you of the problems arising between us you comment "Good lord" as if I am too much.

I deserve better than this and he does too, then to be haunted by a leak breaking the foundation of what we built. Don't think I haven't blamed him, he's heard it from me too but it seems as though I am invisible to you.

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